Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
