Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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