Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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