Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Randomize
