Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize