I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
