youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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