There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
