wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
