so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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