Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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