Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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