Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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