I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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