Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
Randomize
