Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Randomize
