You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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