if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
