my soul wont recognize me after tonight
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
