i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
