i wish starbucks made bloody marys
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
