this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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