I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
