Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I touched a dick in church today
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
