Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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