the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
