I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize