i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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