I'm so fucking centered right now
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Randomize
