Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
