Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Drunk is a universal language darling
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
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