Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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