i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
