He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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