Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
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