Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
