Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
