smell my finger.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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