im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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