I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
You took a bar mat shot.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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