Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
