Plan B is the new Plan A
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
