life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
