I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
