Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
