If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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