I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Randomize
