walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
