Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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