we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
