Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Randomize
