When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
