Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
