So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
