so I'm never txting u again after today...
y?
cuz i don't wanna see it on blogspot :)
ha...too late
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
