just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
