I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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