Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
