I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Randomize