My cat gives me a boner
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize