I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Randomize
