I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Randomize
