They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
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