We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Randomize
