Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
